new year, old mistakes

i keep making all these grand pronouncements to myself, big, sweeping promises out of some strange delusion that they will make a difference, impose some form of punishment, force me to stick to some sort of straight and narrow path. when the truth is, these resolutions, quite different from my actual ‘new year’s’ resolutions, won’t change shit. they’re just tyrannical and stupid, and my pathetic attempt at self-retribution.

while it’s quite obvious that i can be a menace unto myself, apparently even when completely unwilling, it’s nothing that will be remedied with… i don’t know, abstinence, isolation, deprivation — all the methods i’ve turned to in the past when i’ve made a royal cock up that i felt deserved some sort of penance.

i don’t even know what i’m driving at. whatever. it’s done. i used to say i had no regrets, because i liked the idea of not wanting to change anything i’ve done, but that’s bullshit because i have never regretted anything more in my life. also, i’ll be very surprised indeed if i can stop tormenting myself by the time 2010 is over.  at least, about this.

happy new year, kids, and stay away from strong drink.

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